Everyone has heard the story (from friends, co-workers, & relatives members) of the divorce from hell; the three that grinds on for years, costs untold thousands of dollars, & frustratingly plods its way through the court method. It costs people not only their marriage, but often their kids, their savings, & their emotional well-being, as well. Unfortunately, lots of people going through a divorce finish up hating their lawyer, & more commonly, hating their spouse's lawyer. It doesn't must be that way. You can receive a divorce without letting lawyers ruin your life. Using the ten tips outlined below will make a giant difference in the way your divorce progresses. It is hard to behave rationally as you navigate this painful technique, but the vast majority of people find the strength to get through a divorce without losing control of their emotions or finances. You can control the technique & guide the matter to a successful solution, leaving your financial situation intact & allowing you to meet your needs now & in the future.
The reality is that lawyers are people, & like people, there's some dreadful ones out there as well as a few brilliant ones. When you hire an dreadful lawyer (three who creates conflict than resolving it, three who makes your divorce worse, than better) everybody involved suffers. You suffer, your spouse suffers & your kids suffer. Well, not everybody suffers. The dreadful lawyer doesn't suffer, so it is important to do everything possible to keep away from hiring that lawyer, because that is the only sure way to keep divorce lawyers from ruining your life. Here's how:
1. Don't hire the wrong lawyer. The lawyer you hire makes a tremendous difference. Use common sense in the selection technique. Be observant, ask questions, & don't hire someone if you don't feel nice about your interaction with him or her. Here are some things to think about in an initial meeting with a lawyer: 1) does the lawyer have a direct dial phone number? You can assume that if you must go through a secretary or paralegal to reach your lawyer, you will have a harder time reaching him or her; 2) watch out for a messy office; if the lawyer is disorganized you can assume your case will be disorganized. If you see other clients' documents sitting out in public view, you can know that your documents will soon be sitting out in public the same way; 3) make sure the lawyer has a written client agreement that ensures that you understand your fees, rights & obligations; 4) don't hire the dabbler - someone that does a traffic ticket case in the morning, a real estate closing in the afternoon & squeezes your case in somewhere in the middle; divorce is complicated that you ought to hire someone who does it all day, every day; &, 5) don't hire a lawyer taking on more cases than s/he can handle; ask the lawyer what his or her average caseload is. Handling over 15 or 20 cases at three times causes most lawyers to become overwhelmed & ineffective. Thinking about these issues when you meet with a lawyer for the first time will help you make the right choice.
2. Don't let a judge select for you. The minute you (or your spouse) go to court & ask a judge to select your divorce for you, you give up all of the control you have over the technique. If you need to keep your funds in lieu of giving it to a lawyer, & if you need to maintain control over your life, DO NOT LITIGATE. Go to court only as a last resort, only if all else fails. Try negotiation, try mediation, try collaborative divorce, try settlement conferences but do not litigate. You may win at trial, but at what cost? Will you be able to dance with your former spouse at your child's wedding? Probably not. Litigation is destructive, expensive & gut wrenching. Litigate only if you have no other option. Litigation is, unfortunately, necessary in some cases. There will always be people that can not agree no matter how hard you try. Reserve litigation for the most desperate situations.
3. Do hire a collaborative divorce lawyer (& get your spouse to do the same thing). Now you know you need to stay out of court. Do you need your situation to be resolved as efficiently, effectively, & successfully as possible? Of work. That is the way collaborative divorce lawyers handle divorces. In a collaborative divorce, everyone involved (lawyers & clients) signs a written pledge to keep your case out of court. This keeps everyone involved truly focused on reaching a mutually beneficial agreement, without threatening expensive & destructive litigation.
5. Don't sign a blank check. Signing an agreement with a lawyer that calls for every hour billing is like signing a blank check. Be careful. Let's be realistic - every hour billing encourages what? Billing! Find a lawyer who can tell you what your case will cost. The only way to be definite of your attorney fee is to receive a firm commitment on a fixed fee. Short of a fixed fee you need frequent updates on the costs that you have incurred (if it were our funds they would need every day, real-time, updates over the net) & they would need the authority to accept or reject any action that would result in our paying more funds. It doesn't make sense to give someone the economic incentive to make your life miserable by dragging things out. Doctors don't bill every hour - they charge you a fixed fee for your office visit or your surgery. Lawyers need you to believe that they cannot predict your fee. If they won't tell you how much it costs then don't buy it.
4. Don't hire a mediator without getting legal advice first. Often, people think that hiring a mediator is a substitute for hiring a lawyer in trying to resolve their divorce. The critical mistake these people are making is this: mediators can not give legal advice. Their role is only to help people agree; the drawback is that they may help you agree to something that you would not have agreed to if you had sought legal advice first. Timing is everything here: using a mediator can be effective in resolving a divorce, you ought to never, ever hire a mediator without first obtaining legal advice from a lawyer whose only role is to represent your best interests. In fact, any nice mediator will insist that you go & get legal advice before any agreement is reached, anyway. If you select to mediate your dispute, get the legal advice before you start mediation. It is more efficient & safer.
7. Do know your priorities. Frequently people going through a divorce find that their priorities change throughout the technique. The things that they thought were most important when they began the technique are not necessarily the same things that are most important at the conclusion. It is important that you review your priorities regularly, with your lawyer or on your own, so that you are always mindful of things that matter to you most. Staying on top of your own priorities lets you keep your lawyer informed & better use the divorce technique to receive the results that your care most passionately about.
6. Do a cost-benefit analysis. In divorce, it is easy to get caught up in the emotion & make all of your decisions from that vantage point. This can be a mistake though; spending some time analyzing your case from a logical, cost-benefit point of view can pay dividends. Keep your eye on the ball & stay focused on getting the divorce completed so you can move on with your life. It is not uncommon for divorcing people to do things like spend $500 to receive a $100 microwave oven. Don't do it. If you cannot see a clear connection between your actions & achieving a final resolution of your case, then don't take that action.
8. Do remain flexible. Three of the most common mistakes people make when they start a divorce is to select that they absolutely, positively must have A, B, & C, & nothing else will be . Remaining flexible in the divorce technique lets you critically & impartially analyze all of the issues as they arise. This is true for people who have reviewed their priorities throughout the technique (see # 7 above). Knowing what you need, & being flexible in your approach to getting it, can often mean the difference between success & frustration.
9. Do stay involved. When you hire your lawyer, don't basically hand control of your life over to him or her & walk away. Your divorce is critical to you, & it is important to be delegated away & ignored. Stay abreast of developments on a every day basis. Find a lawyer who wants you to be as involved as you do. Three things to look for in a lawyer who wants to keep clients involved: same day delivery to you of all documents that come in or go out of the lawyer's office (email is a great option for this) & 24/7 access to your case file. Ideally, your file will be obtainable on an extranet on your lawyer's web-site. If you can access your credit card & bank statements online, your divorce file should be online, on your lawyer's web-site, as well. Lots of lawyers use technology to make your life less stressful & more convenient; find three who uses the latest technology to help you stay involved. Involved clients can maintain control, reduce anxiety & make better judgments about their future, which helps them to reach positive outcomes in their divorce.
10. Do educate yourself. Knowledge can be your greatest ally. Research the divorce laws of your state, whether through a local law library or the net. NCdivorce.com is the most comprehensive divorce web-site in North Carolina. The site features a discussion forum with questions answered by lawyers, a kid support calculator, the latest cases from the North Carolina Courts, numerous essays & information on all divorce issues, seminar videos, & lots more. Reading the information on this site will dramatically improve your effectiveness & efficiency in interacting with your lawyer & negotiating with your spouse.
The reality is that lawyers are people, & like people, there's some dreadful ones out there as well as a few brilliant ones. When you hire an dreadful lawyer (three who creates conflict than resolving it, three who makes your divorce worse, than better) everybody involved suffers. You suffer, your spouse suffers & your kids suffer. Well, not everybody suffers. The dreadful lawyer doesn't suffer, so it is important to do everything possible to keep away from hiring that lawyer, because that is the only sure way to keep divorce lawyers from ruining your life. Here's how:
1. Don't hire the wrong lawyer. The lawyer you hire makes a tremendous difference. Use common sense in the selection technique. Be observant, ask questions, & don't hire someone if you don't feel nice about your interaction with him or her. Here are some things to think about in an initial meeting with a lawyer: 1) does the lawyer have a direct dial phone number? You can assume that if you must go through a secretary or paralegal to reach your lawyer, you will have a harder time reaching him or her; 2) watch out for a messy office; if the lawyer is disorganized you can assume your case will be disorganized. If you see other clients' documents sitting out in public view, you can know that your documents will soon be sitting out in public the same way; 3) make sure the lawyer has a written client agreement that ensures that you understand your fees, rights & obligations; 4) don't hire the dabbler - someone that does a traffic ticket case in the morning, a real estate closing in the afternoon & squeezes your case in somewhere in the middle; divorce is complicated that you ought to hire someone who does it all day, every day; &, 5) don't hire a lawyer taking on more cases than s/he can handle; ask the lawyer what his or her average caseload is. Handling over 15 or 20 cases at three times causes most lawyers to become overwhelmed & ineffective. Thinking about these issues when you meet with a lawyer for the first time will help you make the right choice.
2. Don't let a judge select for you. The minute you (or your spouse) go to court & ask a judge to select your divorce for you, you give up all of the control you have over the technique. If you need to keep your funds in lieu of giving it to a lawyer, & if you need to maintain control over your life, DO NOT LITIGATE. Go to court only as a last resort, only if all else fails. Try negotiation, try mediation, try collaborative divorce, try settlement conferences but do not litigate. You may win at trial, but at what cost? Will you be able to dance with your former spouse at your child's wedding? Probably not. Litigation is destructive, expensive & gut wrenching. Litigate only if you have no other option. Litigation is, unfortunately, necessary in some cases. There will always be people that can not agree no matter how hard you try. Reserve litigation for the most desperate situations.
3. Do hire a collaborative divorce lawyer (& get your spouse to do the same thing). Now you know you need to stay out of court. Do you need your situation to be resolved as efficiently, effectively, & successfully as possible? Of work. That is the way collaborative divorce lawyers handle divorces. In a collaborative divorce, everyone involved (lawyers & clients) signs a written pledge to keep your case out of court. This keeps everyone involved truly focused on reaching a mutually beneficial agreement, without threatening expensive & destructive litigation.
5. Don't sign a blank check. Signing an agreement with a lawyer that calls for every hour billing is like signing a blank check. Be careful. Let's be realistic - every hour billing encourages what? Billing! Find a lawyer who can tell you what your case will cost. The only way to be definite of your attorney fee is to receive a firm commitment on a fixed fee. Short of a fixed fee you need frequent updates on the costs that you have incurred (if it were our funds they would need every day, real-time, updates over the net) & they would need the authority to accept or reject any action that would result in our paying more funds. It doesn't make sense to give someone the economic incentive to make your life miserable by dragging things out. Doctors don't bill every hour - they charge you a fixed fee for your office visit or your surgery. Lawyers need you to believe that they cannot predict your fee. If they won't tell you how much it costs then don't buy it.
4. Don't hire a mediator without getting legal advice first. Often, people think that hiring a mediator is a substitute for hiring a lawyer in trying to resolve their divorce. The critical mistake these people are making is this: mediators can not give legal advice. Their role is only to help people agree; the drawback is that they may help you agree to something that you would not have agreed to if you had sought legal advice first. Timing is everything here: using a mediator can be effective in resolving a divorce, you ought to never, ever hire a mediator without first obtaining legal advice from a lawyer whose only role is to represent your best interests. In fact, any nice mediator will insist that you go & get legal advice before any agreement is reached, anyway. If you select to mediate your dispute, get the legal advice before you start mediation. It is more efficient & safer.
7. Do know your priorities. Frequently people going through a divorce find that their priorities change throughout the technique. The things that they thought were most important when they began the technique are not necessarily the same things that are most important at the conclusion. It is important that you review your priorities regularly, with your lawyer or on your own, so that you are always mindful of things that matter to you most. Staying on top of your own priorities lets you keep your lawyer informed & better use the divorce technique to receive the results that your care most passionately about.
6. Do a cost-benefit analysis. In divorce, it is easy to get caught up in the emotion & make all of your decisions from that vantage point. This can be a mistake though; spending some time analyzing your case from a logical, cost-benefit point of view can pay dividends. Keep your eye on the ball & stay focused on getting the divorce completed so you can move on with your life. It is not uncommon for divorcing people to do things like spend $500 to receive a $100 microwave oven. Don't do it. If you cannot see a clear connection between your actions & achieving a final resolution of your case, then don't take that action.
8. Do remain flexible. Three of the most common mistakes people make when they start a divorce is to select that they absolutely, positively must have A, B, & C, & nothing else will be . Remaining flexible in the divorce technique lets you critically & impartially analyze all of the issues as they arise. This is true for people who have reviewed their priorities throughout the technique (see # 7 above). Knowing what you need, & being flexible in your approach to getting it, can often mean the difference between success & frustration.
9. Do stay involved. When you hire your lawyer, don't basically hand control of your life over to him or her & walk away. Your divorce is critical to you, & it is important to be delegated away & ignored. Stay abreast of developments on a every day basis. Find a lawyer who wants you to be as involved as you do. Three things to look for in a lawyer who wants to keep clients involved: same day delivery to you of all documents that come in or go out of the lawyer's office (email is a great option for this) & 24/7 access to your case file. Ideally, your file will be obtainable on an extranet on your lawyer's web-site. If you can access your credit card & bank statements online, your divorce file should be online, on your lawyer's web-site, as well. Lots of lawyers use technology to make your life less stressful & more convenient; find three who uses the latest technology to help you stay involved. Involved clients can maintain control, reduce anxiety & make better judgments about their future, which helps them to reach positive outcomes in their divorce.
10. Do educate yourself. Knowledge can be your greatest ally. Research the divorce laws of your state, whether through a local law library or the net. NCdivorce.com is the most comprehensive divorce web-site in North Carolina. The site features a discussion forum with questions answered by lawyers, a kid support calculator, the latest cases from the North Carolina Courts, numerous essays & information on all divorce issues, seminar videos, & lots more. Reading the information on this site will dramatically improve your effectiveness & efficiency in interacting with your lawyer & negotiating with your spouse.
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